24 June 2015, 6 pm
And the award for the meanest hotel in Manchester goes to… But that would be telling. My room is spacious; it has that going for it. But the space is possibly the only thing that is complimentary, so I had better make the most of it. There is wifi, for the business person On the Move, but I will have to pay for it. There is a bottle of mineral water looking welcoming on the table, with a note beside it urging me to “Stay Hydrated”, but there is a price tag to Staying Hydrated and it is not one I am prepared to pay. Not while there’s a cold water tap in the bathroom, at any rate. There is also an “in-room dining” menu, but all the decimal points are in the wrong places. So I have to go out Sad Shopping, for cocktails-in-cans and salads-in-plastic and chocolate bars in, well, anything really, and then I have to sneak back in with my supermarket carrier bags when the concierge isn’t looking, because he might be cross that I am organising my own in-room dining. Back in the room, with the canned cocktail and the plasticated salad, I find myself worrying that I might accidentally have incurred all sorts of additional charges. What if the instant coffee sachets are going on my room bill? Am I allowed to watch telly? Is the water metered? Is the air conditioning complimentary? If I put my Sad Shopping in the fridge, which may have been a minibar at one time but has since seen a plague of locusts, will I be charged for taking it out again? Having arrived here first class, albeit accidentally, it is somewhat depressing to end the day with these kinds of questions.
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