8 January 2016
The VeePee continues to send me his holiday snaps. Yesterday he was on safari seeing lots of exotic scenery and animals. I am exceedingly happy for him. Surrounded by images of water buffalo and elephants – which I confess are a tad distracting – I attempt to deal with the day’s business. This includes a regulatory referral to the Legal Services Board; a design workshop for our namby-pamby webinars on unconscious bias; a round-table meeting to progress the other namby-pamby diversity issues; a round-table meeting on promoting the UK IP professions abroad, which will most definitely not be namby-pamby; the EPO oral proceedings course; international liaison activities; a seminar for PhD students who accidentally studied IP; and lunch with Unlucky Gary. Gary and I need to have lunch to discuss our concerns about Mr Davies and kettles. And then I arrange to see a Women’s Health and Mid-life Crisis Doctor to discuss how to make my body behave like a Presidential body and not need a blood transfusion just to get to London and back. I am hoping she will advise me to get plenty of bed-rest, particularly on the first Wednesday of every month, and forbid me from attempting anything with the word “strategy” in it.
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7 January 2016, 11.30 am
Next I meet with the EyePeePee, the Onssek and the Eye-Ell-See Chair. The Eye-Ell-See is the committee in charge of telling foreigners how good CIPA is. Its Chairman is shortly travelling to Japan for a conference about global patent harmonisation. He is going to tell the Japanese that you can harmonise all you like, but you will never make the foreign patent attorneys as good as the British ones. Everyone at the meeting is going to sign a declaration that says We have discussed harmonisation and We have enjoyed discussing harmonisation and We pledge to discuss harmonisation again some time. I have obtained special Council approval for CIPA to sign this declaration. Council approval is hard-won if you are a Pee like me, but I think we wore them down with the discussion about the revised updated Strategic Plan. Of course, patent attorneys the world over are going to be worried about harmonisation. Thus far, we have devoted our lives and our bank accounts to advising how to cope with the lack of it. If it arrives, we will have nothing left to do. The EyePeePee points out that outsourcing and commoditisation and artificial intelligence are equally likely to leave us with nothing to do. Luckily, we will still have the revised updated Strategic Plan to work on. 7 January 2016, 9.30 am
I meet with a group of patent attorneyettes to talk about a Women in IP networking event later in the year. We are expecting pushback about this from the Men in IP, but we are also expecting to go ahead anyway. This is called Passive Resistance. Passive Resistance is easy, especially when people aren’t listening to you, so easy that you can get on with a patent draft and do the weekly grocery shop at the same time. Which is called Multi-Tasking. We begin with coffee and biscuits, and then we have a wonderful long discussion about how difficult it is to be a patent attorneyette in a world dominated by patent attorneys who are not -ettes, and how we can make things better for patent attorneyettes in the future, without requiring them to un-ette themselves in the process. We think it would be undignified to lower our voices and grow beards and become super-aggressively confident, and anyway we are not quite sure we are up to it. We agree that women spend too much time not being quite sure they are up to it, during which time men generally decide that they are up to it and take all the good jobs. This is why there is a gender pay gap. It is probably our own fault, and we are not sure we are up to challenging it yet. So we have another biscuit each. After an hour or so it dawns on us that perhaps we were supposed to spend this meeting coming up with some concrete plans for the networking event. But we have had a lot of fun chatting and we have put the world to rights several times over, so we figure we have certainly done no worse than the average meeting of un-etted patent attorneys – say for example a CIPA Council meeting – would have done. We will do a Strategic Plan for the event next time we meet. In fact, we might ask Mr Davies to do one for us. He is good at strategic plans, Mr Davies. Mr Mercer can add the commas. 6 January 2016, 3.30 pm
Now we are on the second document of the meeting, which is the revised updated Strategic Plan. We have been revising and updating this document for some time now. Every time we revise and update it, people on Council say This is not the right way to revise and update it, and we have to go back and try again. It is possible that what they are actually saying is We do not like this document at all really, but that they are being characteristically polite and restrained. Let us take up the action at the point where Mr Davies and several of the officers are banging their heads against the table and weeping. - I have a whinge I mean question about the timescales. - Go on. - Why do we only start this task at the end of 2016? - Because we will be doing other things at the start of 2016. - But we should be doing this all the time anyway. - Yes but we can’t do all these things all the time because we only have a finite number of staff and now and then they like to go home for their tea. - And do we just stop doing this other task half-way through 2018? - Yes, because then we start doing something else. - But what if we haven’t finished doing the first task? - Then we will do it a little bit more. - But how will we know when we’ve finished? - Because we will have achieved the stipulated outcome. - But how will we prove that we’ve achieved the stipulated outcome? - We will have to think about that when we start work on the task in question. - And how will we go about achieving the stipulated outcome? - That is also something we can think about when the task in question comes up. - There are rather a lot of tasks. - We are hoping to get rather a lot done. - But are we suddenly going to stop doing rather a lot half-way through 2018? - By then we will have reviewed and updated the plan and we will have some more objectives for the second half of 2018. Maybe even 2019 too. - It doesn’t say anything about 2019 in here. - No, because it’s a three-year plan. - But three years from now takes us to 3.30 pm on 6 January 2019. - Yes and if we carry on nitpicking over this document, we’ll need objectives for 2020 too. - But it’s vital to get this right. Our members will want to know we’re doing important work for them. - Like quibbling over the list of important work we plan to do? - But we should be doing it all the time anyway. Why do we only start this task at the end of 2016? - Because we will be doing other – oh, for heaven’s sake! - There are too many tasks, that we should be doing all the time and not stopping doing half-way through 2018. - That’s why we’ve prioritised them. That’s why we are planning to do some this year, and some next year, and some in 2018. - And some in 2019? - Yes, potentially some in 2019 as well. - But it doesn’t say anything about 2019 in here. - It’s a three-year plan!! - I have another whinge I mean question. - Go on. - What does “Council will be more diverse” mean? - It means our Council members will be more diverse. - How can a Council member be diverse? - No, Council as a whole will be more diverse. - But how will we achieve that? It doesn’t say here how we’re going to achieve that. - We are going to have quotas for Council members from Oop North and from inner city suburbs and also from psychiatric hospitals and drama schools. - It doesn’t say that in here. - No, that’s because I was being sarcastic. - We should explain what we mean by all the timescales and outcomes and objectives. - And the sarcasm? - Will we suddenly stop being more diverse half-way through 2018? - Yes, and then we can start on another project, like getting rid of diversity again. - Was that also sarcastic? - Yes, that was also sarcastic. - There are too many objectives anyway. - OK, perhaps we shouldn’t have objectives. Perhaps we should just get on with Being Council and not mess around trying to achieve things. - That would be more proper. - Except that we have just removed the bit in the Bye-laws about Council’s role. Because it was bollocks. Therefore we have nothing left to do apart from the objectives in the revised updated Strategic Plan. - It doesn’t say in here about Being Council. - Well spotted. I will add it immediately. To start now and end half-way through the next century. - But why should we only start now? We have been Being Council since ages ago. - OK. To start in 1891 and carry on until the world ends. By which I mean the universe. Unless otherwise provided by the Charter and Bye-laws. - I have another question. - Surprise me. - Some of these objectives should not be high priority. - That is not a question, strictly. - But some of them should not be high priority. - Which ones? - We should be doing them all the time anyway. Why do we only start this task at the end of 2016? Mr Davies has that look about him that says: if you send me back to the drawing-board one more time I am going to boil my head in a kettle and never come to CIPA Hall again. - I have another question that is not a question. - Yes? - We should have SMART objectives. - I hear what you’re saying. But these are strategic objectives, not operational ones. The operational ones can be SMART. The strategic ones should be high-level and outcomes-focused. - “Strategic” is management-speak. - You mean bollocks. - So is “outcomes”. Council should not concern itself with management-speak. - What should it concern itself with then? - It should get this document right. I still don’t see why we only start this task at the end of 2016. We will have to keep Mr Davies away from kettles for the foreseeable future. Fortunately, it is usually Unlucky Gary who makes the tea, not Mr Davies, because Mr Davies is too busy revising and updating things. 6 January 2016, 3 pm
The first Council meeting of the year gets off to a thumping start with a good half of Council not being there at all. You’d have thought this would make it easier for me to chair the meeting, but actually I prefer a bigger audience because the bigger the audience, the more fun it is being fierce at them. The VeePee is one of the people who is not there at all. He is on holiday again. He has been helpfully sending us photos of the beautiful places he has visited, presumably as evidence that he is actually where he said he would be and not skiving. Today’s meeting is a lot about documents. The first document is the rewritten Bye-laws. It has been checked by a solicitor who is an expert in getting bye-laws and charter amendments past the Privy Council. This solicitor has flagged up that several bits of our draft are too wordy, and several other bits are repetitive, or unnecessary, or incomprehensible, or just plain tedious. He should have seen the original. He has also suggested some crucial changes to the placement of commas. At this point Mr Mercer steps in. Mr Mercer is the Onssek and as everybody knows, part of the Onssek’s job is Responsibility for Commas in CIPA Documents, a role which Mr Mercer discharges with skill, panache and enthusiasm. Nobody knows their commas – or indeed other people’s commas – like Mr Mercer. Frankly, when it comes to the final version, my money’s on the patent attorney. However, I am hoping the Privy Council will care less about commas than about the substantive aspects of the changes. Or is that naïve of me? Meanwhile, not to be outdone, Council sets about annihilating the document for itself. Although we have already considered, quibbled over, amended and approved several previous versions, there is nothing to stop a playful Council member re-opening the debate over proposed clause 23(d)(ii). Does this really say what we intended it to say? Was that really the right thing to intend it to say? Should we add in a clarifying sub-clause with a cross-referenced proviso and a schedule? And some commas? suggests Mr Mercer. The clause about Council’s role also comes in for some stick. People have finally spotted that the clause is full of management bollocks. The bollocks require further definition, or they must go. The word “strategy” is particular bollocks and even with further definition and cross-referenced clarification provisos, nobody wants Council to have any truck with it. However, the bollocks about Council telling the President what to do does not require further definition, as in this context it is better to keep all options open. You never know who you are going to get as President and how much bollocks you are going to have to tell them not to do. 6 January 2016, 10 am
It is getting tedious, saying Happy New Year to everyone I meet. I soon revert to my usual Presidential greeting, which is less friendly but at least sincere. The Congress Steering Committee forges ahead with plans for the new-look one-day conference that will be packed full of proper, serious CPD and will not be in a hotel with non-compliant lifts but in a proper, serious conference venue. A proper serious conference venue has proper serious AV equipment already installed rather than wheeled in with the mid-morning muffins. We are not yet sure exactly which proper serious conference venue we are going to bestow our presence on, but the CIPA Events Team is on the case and it is only a matter of time. Then we meet with someone from the IPO who wants to know our views about the EPO. We respond very carefully. He takes notes very carefully. I say Nous sommes très bons amis avec Monsieur Le President de l’EPO. Et also nous sommes not always dans agreement avec Monsieur Le Chat d’IP, ou at least pas en public. He says Oui j’understand. Then he says Est-ce que nous can stop parling le franglais, parce qu’il est getting up mon nez? He says, I can do Welsh if you prefer. 3 January 2016
A new year has dawned. But it appears I am still CIPA President. Ah well. I had a nice long Christmas break. During the nice long Christmas break, my nice mid-life body decided to treat me to a mid-life crescendo of Women’s Health Problems. Women’s Health Problems are problems you are supposed to pretend not to be incapacitated by, because how can you demand equality when you’re incapacitated for one week in every four? I have some sympathy with colleagues who take this approach, but it’s a shame, because I can actually be quite helpful on the days I’m not incapacitated. But first I have to get my blood count back to something within the normal mammalian range. While I was lying in bed being pathetic, I wrote a speech, in case I manage to get myself to London between mid-life health crises and take part in Mr Davies’s latest madcap scheme, which is a get-together of chief executives of membership bodies. Mr Davies thinks it will be entertaining for the chief executives to hear from a President of a membership body. For a laugh. So my speech includes my thoughts about leadership, which will have them rolling in the aisles. By the weekend I am well enough and bored enough to dabble in some proper CIPA work. This involves thinking about the agenda for the first Council meeting of 2016. I had secretly been hoping this moment might never arrive. But that’s the thing about Council meetings: they just keep on happening. 16 December 2015
Mr Lampert says CIPA is not sending any corporate Christmas cards this year. This is so that we can reduce our environmental impact and save lots of money to give to charity, and absolutely not because we forgot. Funnily enough, I have adopted a similar policy at home. 15 December 2015
The Congress Steering Committee holds a teleconference to decide whether the Congress it is going to steer next year is a thumping great flagship of a Congress, a nifty little speed-boat of a Congress, or something in between. The Waters of Debate are a little choppy, but we have a shared desire to avoid the Rocks of Losing Tons of Money and we can also see that the Shores of Bums on Seats are a good few miles away yet. In the end we conclude that a one-day conference may be preferable to a two-day conference. Even within our most learned and sophisticated profession, attention spans have got shorter since the advent of social media. I consider suggesting that all speeches should be limited to 140 words, that speakers be required to deliver multimedia presentations, that the compere be replaced by a series of hyperlinks and that the buffet lunch be served using a drop-down menu. Delegates could be issued with headphones so as not to have to interact with the outside world other than via Twitter® or Facebook®. Key presentations could be shared via Instagram®, except for the boring ones, which would go on Snapchat® and hence disappear from view before causing anyone too much pain. I do not share these thoughts with the rest of the Committee, of course. Not yet anyway. 14 December 2015, 12.30 pm
I dial in to a meeting of the International Liaison Committee. I cannot hear most of what the others are saying, but I do my bit and throw the occasional random thought down the phone line so as to keep them on their toes. Mainly the discussions appear to be about what type of lunch we should offer visiting overseas attorneys, and what type of CIPA pens we should provide as gifts (may I suggest: the type with ink in?), and how much we should charge CIPA members to attend the seminar provided by the visitors. There is a slight complication over the seminar: we have told the visitors what subjects we would like to hear about, and in reply they have told us what subjects they would like to talk about, and the two are not the same. A certain amount of expectation management (aka arguing) may be called for, and we are not yet sure which of us will end up as the Expectation Management Victor. We also hear about last month’s trip to Japan, in which several members of the Committee dashed around Tokyo meeting up not only with Japanese but also with Taiwanese, Australian and New Zealand attorneys. They have special business cards for this purpose, which say “CPA EPA and also BIG CHEESE AT CIPA”. The meetings were all very successful and one of them even resulted in me being invited to another Tokyo event in January. On one level, this is great news for CIPA. On another level, I wish people would stop creating more work for me. I am not going to make it to Tokyo in January anyway. The washing machine engineer is here and he is looking very solemn. I am unlikely to have any clean clothes before February. RIP washing machine. You’ve had a hard life and we’ve had some fun times together. Especially the ones where I had a gin and tonic in hand and watched you going round and round and round. No wonder you’re tired. |
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