10 March 2016, 10 pm
I am Poshness Personified. I have just the right amount of Unfeasible Frivolity, not a straw nor a cleavage in sight, and a carefully tuned blood alcohol level, designed to allow me to converse effortlessly with people I don’t know but to prevent me from helping myself to their bread rolls. I have been seated at Top Table, with many eminent people. There is Professor Sir Robin Jacob QC, who is still practising being a Grumpy Old Man because he has not yet achieved the levels of perfection he was aspiring to in this regard, but who finds I am the ideal person to practise on. There is Mr Justice Arnold, renowned for his weighty judgments (often several kilograms when printed). There are the people from Managing IP magazine, who have organised this dinner and who are my New Bestest Friends for inviting me here. And there are also several people who have actually won awards, for doing something positive with their lives instead of just getting drunk at gala dinners in honour of other people’s achievements. My job is to provide the entertainment, by asking the questions no one dared to ask but actually everyone wanted to know the answer to. People ask me questions too, such as: “When do you stop being President?” and: “What will you do next?” To which I answer: “Not soon enough for Council” and: “Sleep”. During the dinner, awards are presented to firms that have done really good IP work and for whom really good profits are insufficient recognition. There are awards – often several of them – for nearly every country in the world, or at least every country that has enough of an IP system for someone to make a profit out of it. This adds up to a lot of awards, and in turn to a lot of people going up on stage to have their photos taken looking like proud pelican crossings with glass trophies. There is much applause, and uplifting music. It is the closest I will get to The Oscars and I am so thrilled I forget to be entertaining and nearly send Mr Justice Arnold to sleep. We go through the countries alphabetically, as is only proper. When we reach France, I calculate that the taxi booked to take me home will arrive somewhere between Nigeria and Qatar. Sadly, therefore, I miss the UK part of the awards. I am however in time for a superb traffic jam on the Charing Cross Road. A traffic jam caused by taxi drivers doing seven-point turns.
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