27 November 2015, 1.30 pm
It is time for our twice-yearly visit from the nice man at the EPO, to check we still understand how much the EPO loves us and values our feedback. My job is to say the bit at the end about how much we love the EPO back. We hear all about making the examination process more efficient. One of the measures being adopted is that examiners are going to be encouraged to pick up the phone and speak to us, rather than always pretending to be on a coffee break when we call. What they are going to speak to us about, mainly, is not filing so many stupid auxiliary requests. But we have to file auxiliary requests! we cry. Because the Boards of Appeal will not let us file them later! The nice man says he is hoping the Boards of Appeal will change their position on this. His words are greeted by the sound of several patent attorneys being unconvinced at once. Mr Roberts says we have to keep auxiliary requests because the auxiliary request is what makes the EPO Special. It is not the only thing that makes the EPO Special, obviously. But it is still better than the American system, which is to file all your auxiliary requests as part of the same claim set and hope that only 145 of them are knocked out before grant. Then we talk about the EPO providing Little Helpers to assist patent attorneys with procedural stuff at hearings, for instance finding their passports and getting a cup of coffee and photocopying their auxiliary requests. We think the Little Helpers are a wonderful idea. We hope there will also be Little Helpers providing counselling for stressed patent attorneys before and after hearings, and pep talks and lemon barley water during the adjournments. Of course, the nice man from the EPO does not actually use the term “Little Helpers”; this is just my take on the concept. We also have a small disagreement about eDrex and OCR. This is a vital part of the twice-yearly visit and we would all feel cheated if we didn’t spend at least a few minutes on it. It has to be said that the disagreement gets a little more half-hearted each time it’s raised, because within a few years patent applications will be drafted, filed, examined and granted by artificially intelligent machines (as opposed to artificially intelligent people) and, frankly, they can sort out their own mistakes while we sit in our armchairs having 3D-printed pizzas delivered to us by Amazon®. By 4 o’clock it is getting dark outside and the nice man and his friend have to catch a plane back to Eponia. I say how much we love the EPO and he says how much he loves our feedback and we both know there is a slight lack of basis problem over these two assertions but in the interests of diplomacy, and of still being able to get our clients’ European patents granted, we smile graciously anyway. It is time for me to go home before I say something the others might regret. In any event, it is Black Friday. So I need to hurry back to the internet and do some shopping, because otherwise I can hardly call myself human can I? I presume that Black Friday is a particularly good day for the Dark Market, and am looking forward to some excellent deals on ransomware and phishing kits.
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