28 April 2016, 6.30 am
At Studentville, I am the first up, which means I get first grab at the cling film. Yay! After I have wrapped a few things, like my phone and my driving licence, so as to prolong their shelf life, I go for a run, before returning to see what Provisions we have to pool for our student breakfast. It is a sad reflection of the ageing process that our breakfast provisions consist largely of muesli and fruit, which I do not remember ever happening in my real student days (I’m not sure muesli had even reached the UK back then). Also the breakfast milk hasn’t yet curdled, which is a disappointment – we did our best to make things squalid but the cling film has thwarted us. At least we have achieved that authentic sleepy bodies smell. After the muesli, we decide it is time we did some laundry. We have discovered there is a laundry basket at the flat, into which you can put your used bed linen when you want the Pixies to deal with it. But the laundry basket is full and we cannot find the Pixies. There is nothing for it: one of us will have to engage with the Washing Machine. It is a sad reflection of the ageing process that one of us actually knows how to do this. Guess who it is. I cannot be the one who does the laundry, I say, because I am the only woman and it might look like you two are being sexist. The others look glumly at the symbols on the washing powder drawer and are clearly wondering how they are going to fit a whole duvet cover into the compartment marked with a pretty flower. I sigh. OK, I say – modifying my approach in the interests of procedural expediency – I will do it this time, but I will show you how so that next time, you can do it. This elicits a smile of relief, followed by a distinct lack of interest in the presentation that follows. I should have made it more engaging by talking about “laundry cleaning product dispensing means” and “compartment adapted to receive one or more items of soiled laundry” and “the one or more items of soiled laundry being, together, of a weight and volume commensurate with the capacity of said compartment, which by the way is not limitless”. While I grapple with the washing, the other two begin a far more interesting discussion about the meaning of the terms “elongate” and “longitudinal”. This is what patent attorneys do when they are trying to avoid the washing up. I am minded to throw something elongate at them, in a longitudinal direction, but I cannot find any skewers.
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