14 January 2016, 12.15
I finish my packing early (I do not need to take much; I am only going for one night so that’s three cans of Red Bull® and a toothbrush if there’s room), so am able to listen to the live play-back of the Patent Attorneys Are Brilliant pre-record. It is excruciating. My husband sits loyally beside me so we can be excruciated together. He has made himself a cheese and pickle sandwich specially. I had not realised, at the time, how long I’d wittered on for. I hardly drew breath. My husband does not seem in the least surprised about this. I am glad there are so few of us listening: me, my husband, potentially Mr Lampert and six other regular listeners from the Isle of Wight pickle factory. Also of note is that the phone-line sounds as though I am calling from the inside of a stationery cupboard with a very bad cold (that’s me with the cold, not the stationery cupboard). In Mr Davies’s defence, I should point out that he has not yet implemented this particular internal governance model; I was not in the CIPA stationery cupboard counting the number of staples we had left. No, I was in Zummerzet, sharing my home phone line as usual with thirty other Zummerzet households, their PCs, their smartphones, their tablets, their Minecraft® tournaments, their illegal downloads, their online supermarket shopping and their burglar alarm systems. As a result, not only was my telephone connection a little ropey, but whilst I was wittering about Chartered Patent Attorneys being brilliant, three people got killed by zombies, four got burgled by mistake and one managed to order 30 times too many tins of custard. The accidental burglaries didn’t matter because the Zummerzet Police aren’t on the phone anyway. But the extra 29 tins of custard might be a pain.
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