25 February 2016, 4 pm
Mr Davies has told everyone at the East of England regional meeting that the President is unable to attend. This is an excellent way of keeping people on their toes, because when I do turn up mid-way through the seminar, everyone is taken by surprise. (Mwa ha ha!) I detect just a hint of awkwardness, as though Mr Davies has been telling them things he should not have been telling them, or they have been discussing what a rubbish Pee I’m being, or more likely that they have planned a massive party tonight at CIPA’s expense and will now have to find some way of making it look respectable. I arrive in time for a fascinating talk about the Internet of Things. Prior to this talk, I did not really know what the Internet of Things was. Now I do, and I am deeply worried, because the Internet of Things is a most sinister concept. It is basically something that connects all of your household appliances – from your printer to your electric toothbrush – with Google®. So that you can be charged for new ink cartridges even before you realised you needed them, and so that if you are not brushing your teeth properly, Amazon® can send you a book about periodontal disease and fresh supplies of mouthwash, and book you an immediate appointment with the dental hygienist. And eventually your central heating system will know more about your diary than you do, and your doctor will know your body mass index from your bathroom scales, and your fridge will be restocking itself accordingly. On the plus side, you will never run out of anything again. Your every wish will be anticipated and supplied by remote-controlled drones who know your exact whereabouts. You will not be able to have an affair, or top your mother-in-law, or plot terrorist activities. Or rather, you will, but Google will know about it. And Amazon will send you all the equipment you need, charge it to your credit card and then update the National Crime Agency. On the minus side, your relationship with Amazon will become even more cripplingly intimate than it is now. And by hacking into the Internet of Things, other people (for example your teenage offspring) will be able to inundate you with toilet roll supplies, burn your toast or lock your TV onto the Dave® channel, just for a laugh. Or, worse, they will take the Denial of Service option, which in the context of toilet roll supplies does not bear thinking about.
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