28 April 2016, 6.30 pm
I am in one of the oak-panelled parts of London. It is the kind of place that people like me always feel they have reached by accident. The oak panels line a grand room, set in a building so majestic it calls itself a Temple, and the Temple sits in a quaint yet imposing courtyard, tucked away down a tiny lane that only exists for those who know about it, and possibly doesn’t exist at all except in a parallel universe running to 19th Century protocols. The occasion is a party in honour of Mr Heap, the IPReg Chair. Mr Heap is retiring (participle, not adjective) and is keen to celebrate the opportunity not to work with patent attorneys ever again. He looks more than a little demob-happy. He is not the only one. Mr Heap makes a speech, during which some naughty people whisper to one another at the back, but it wasn’t me honest and if it was, it was only for the purpose of sourcing another glassful with which to toast Mr Heap’s many achievements. In recognition of those achievements, the ITMA Pee and I present him with gifts. Mr Davies takes a photo of me presenting a gift. In the photo, it looks as though I am punching Mr Heap in the face. I’m sure I wasn’t. I mean, I know I’d had a celebratory glass or two, but surely I wouldn’t have punched the retiring IPReg Chairman? Mr Davies’s photo was either very badly timed, or very cleverly edited. At events like this, I feel it is important to partake fully of the alcohol on offer. This is because when people get drunk together, they share all manner of confidences and juicy tittle-tattle, which are valuable as Strategic Intelligence. And the more drunk the listener, I have found, the more will be revealed to her. So this evening I make sure I am sufficiently drunk to be revealed to. The only problem is, I am then too drunk to process what is revealed, or to remember it afterwards. While I am sufficiently drunk to be revealed to, one of the IPReg people promises to organise another party, to celebrate the end of my presidency. What he doesn’t promise is to invite me.
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