19 September 2017, 11 am
Back at CIPA HQ, I re-record a couple more webinars for the Patent Administrators’ Course. I am getting bored of these webinars, and so is Mr Mische. As I try to escape, Mr Davies introduces me to the Chief Executive of LawCare. LawCare is a namby-pamby support scheme for legal professionals with mental health problems. Obsessed as I am with helping IP folk who do not fit the 100% traditionally-perfect mould, and indeed with namby-pamby things in general, Mr Davies feels that the LawCare Chief Executive and I will get on very well together. And we do. Within minutes we are talking about joint projects and Mr Davies is starting to look weary, as he often does when I am talking about projects. He remembers all too clearly the ones I persuaded him to get involved with, and how many years they took off his life expectancy.
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19 September 2017, 8 am
We are putting on a webinar about Imposter Syndrome. We are broadcasting it simultaneously to twelve breakfast venues around the country. We have a fantastic speaker and a fantastic chairperson. I am not sure why I am also there, and feel sure I am about to get found out. If so, I will pretend I was the organiser, although when so many people are so willing to help, arguably you do not need an organiser anyway. The fantastic speaker and the fantastic chairperson and the useless extra (ie me) are gathered in a room provided by an extremely generous firm of IP attorneys. Its London Bridge premises are essentially a large student common room with one or two offices attached. There are sofas and a pool table and a kitchenette bigger and cleaner than that of an average six-bedroomed detached villa in Surrey. Those who work here can want for nothing. I am worried that broadcasting to twelve venues at once will produce 12 squared opportunities for technical problems. Fantastic Fran is on hand at CIPA HQ to deal with them. But amazingly, there are none. The most complicated part of the whole event is removing the cling film from the bowls of strawberries during the subsequent kitchenette brunch-fest. Fran cannot help with that, unfortunately, but I know that she would if she were here. So overall, I think we can consider this event a Success. Although, in common with all imposters, I am sure it had nothing to do with me. 13 September 2017, 5 pm
It has been a day of telecons and organising namby-pamby IP Inclusive events. Over the last couple of weeks I have spoken to many wonderful people, who have agreed, albeit with some coercion, to contribute to the events. Some are speaking. Some are “facilitating”, which means using a flip chart to encourage people to think useful thoughts, and is similar to speaking only with long awkward pauses, followed by long unwelcome interruptions from people who have not been following but like the sound of their own voices. Some are just happy to offer ideas, or provide chairs and tables and drinks and biscuits. Everyone is so lovely. The world works better when people are namby-pamby. The final telecon today is a meeting of the Women in IP group. They are also organising an event. They are trying to find a topic that does not upset anyone, in particular the Men in IP, who are invited to the event but who may feel a little fragile if they are outnumbered. The Women in IP are of course absolutely right: we must not upset anyone. That said, I cannot help feeling that some people have spent the last few decades not caring about upsetting women, and for these particular people, a cold plate of revenge might be an appropriate accompaniment to the networking drinks. For all my namby-pambiness, I am still a Militant Feminist at heart. And this is why they will not let me lead the Women in IP group. 13 September 2017, 10 am
Actually, though, I am training to be an invigilator for the PEB exams next month. The training process involves dialling in to a teleconference and listening to Ms Sear telling us how to invigilate, which is largely about unpacking boxes and giving out bits of paper, and also not wearing squeaky shoes and not eating crunchy lunches, because squeaky shoes and crunchy lunches can disturb people who are trying to concentrate on claim drafting. By the end of the call, I am well and truly properly trained. I think I will probably be the best and uncrunchiest invigilator the world has ever seen. I go off in search of the WD40® to keep my boots quiet. 13 September 2017, 8 am
I feel sorry for the many CIPA members who have not yet had the pleasure of visiting our new offices. So I prepare an enticing guide for them in lieu of the real thing: Halton House, 20-23 Holborn This delightful and spacious second floor office accommodation comprises of everything the modern business needs when its existing lease expires and it needs to move quickly. Situated in a highly-sought after location vibrant with traffic fumes and impolite pedestrians, it is just five minute’s walk from the nearest IP barrister and two minute’s from the nearest pub (30 second’s if you can abseil), and also within easy reach of London’s superlative underground transport experience. The accommodation enjoys shared access to a ground floor walk-in reception area comprising of a desk and one or more bored receptionists who have been specially trained not to look up as you enter so as to safeguard your privacy. Leading to… Two excellent working lift’s programmed to announce what they have just been doing rather than what they are about to do, thus: “Going down” means “I have just come down to meet you but will be going up with you again shortly”. Leading to… Private second floor lobby area flanked by elegant frosted glass doors with internally-mounted push/pull instructions that you cannot read because of the frosting. Leading to… Integral demolition work’s with fitted warning notice. Also leading to… Private toilet facilities, one for men and one for women, the two being indistinguishable inside (and yes, I have checked) but clearly one being more assertive and better paid than the other. Each toilet comprising of fully plumbed-in entertainment in the form of a state-of-the-art tap assembly that only works when you wave your hands in front of it and say abracadabra, this being well beyond the average patent attorney. Also a 50 kW ultraviolet light-powered hand dryer that makes your skin look like a rapidly deflating balloon and is unlikely to get past the new EU legislation on Environmentally Destructive Power Tools. Leading to… Charming ante-room fitted as a private bar, comprising of built-in wine racks; built-in wine (may not be present on second viewing); stand-alone fridge; atmospheric lighting; and a number of Council members decoratively disposed around the floor area. Leading to… Large master meeting room resplendent with CIPA coat of arms and bored [sic] of Past Presidents (option to refurbish in modern style, though Permissions will be needed and good luck with that). Excellent for Bored [sic] and Council meetings. Superb views of other delightful and spacious office locations – details on request. Integrated Technology Centre with video conferencing facilities, screen and other functionalities you are unlikely to be able to use. Integrated Mr Mische to solve problem’s therewith. Internal partitioning allows this space to be transformed into one slightly less large but no less resplendent meeting room and one smaller meeting room with independent IT functionalities and independently controllable but reliably arctic air conditioning. (Note: air conditioning benefit’s from direct link with the 7th floor ventilation system, with enhanced microbial distribution facility.) Leading to… Deceptively spacious non-master (mistress?) meeting room with comfortable seating and occasional table, also usable as a walk-through corridor providing access to aforesaidmentioned master meeting room, especially when said table is occasionally not there. Situated with respect to… Even more deceptively spacious functionality room suitable for use as an internal reprographics suite and/or stationery cupboard. The integrated Mr Mische is also available in this room. Accessing to… Unnervingly large open plan office space offering excellent staff surveillance and crisis promulgation opportunities. Comprising of banks of complimenting workstations in a deceptively modern style; roving Chief Executive; approximately floor-to-ceiling windows with superb view’s of the vibrant but impolite location below. Leading to… Fitted kitchenette, comprising of a range of co-ordinating fitted appliance’s and storage units cleverly designed to ensure you put the milk away in the dishwasher and the tea towels into the fridge. Wall-mounted cupboards from which MY MUG HAS BEEN STOLEN DURING THE MOVE!!! Triple-aspect recycling point. All units Biscuit Pixie-resistant. Leading to… Elegant private reception area with couches on which to keep visitors waiting whilst you rustle up a tea towel and dishwashed milk beverage for them. Leading to… Private second floor lobby area. Leading to… Charming, strategically equipped bar area, comprising of built-in wine racks; less built-in wine than before; possibly a fridge who cares; fairy lights; slightly larger number of Council member’s decoratively disposed around the floor area. All rooms supplied with ambient lighting, floor-mounted carpeting, deluxe hot and cold running water (except where specified), professional-quality broadband reception and table-top biscuit supplies. I am very pleased with this summary, which almost makes the new place seem desirable. I think I might retrain as an estate agent. No, really. 12 September 2017, 3 pm
Exhausted by our deliberations, we take another refreshment break and then return for a meeting about Brexit. Oh goody. I was hoping we would do a meeting about Brexit. You can never get enough Brexit planning. And as the Pee points out, it is important that we keep updating and re-publishing our Brexit paper or people will think we are not doing anything. Heaven forbid. I did not even realise we had a Brexit paper. Once again, we quickly cast aside the high-level stuff and get down to the important details. One of which is what term we should use for the UK’s ungainly stumble from the EU stage into the orchestra pit of economic and political ignominy. Obviously there are a number of clichés one might employ, but we are nervous about clichés after the one in our Strategic Plan got run up the flagpole without anyone saluting. In the end, we decide to use the term “transition” (from being in the EU to being out of the EU) rather than the more harsh-sounding “exit”, which whilst accurate is not quite sufficient to express the complexity of the situation. About thirty minutes into the Brexit meeting, I realise I have nothing useful to contribute. This is actually quite early for me, but I have no doubt the others have beaten me to the realisation, because nobody bats an eyelid when I get up to leave, I mean transition. They carry on updating the Brexit paper, in yet more tremendous amounts of detail. Mr Davies has another blank sheet of paper in front of him, I see. 12 September 2017, noon
Now I am allowed to join the others in the light and spacious part of the new offices, which is the Main Meeting Room. We are having lunch followed by a Council Strategy Meeting. I remember from my days as President that the words Council and Strategy do not always sit happily together, let alone productively, but the current Pee seems to have forgotten this and Mr Davies looks as though he has given up reminding us. So our long-suffering Chief Eggsek sits at the table with a blank sheet of paper, ready to write down the key points we never quite get round to distilling, and distil them further into a Strategic Plan Update or, failing that, into an early round of spirits at the nearest bar. Which may actually be the one in the corner of the Main Meeting Room. It is good to see my CIPA friends again after several months away. It is particularly good to see the new VeePee-to-be. She is my kind of patent attorneyette. She drinks Red Bull®. She has pink-and-purple hair and a matching pink-and-purple outfit and handbag. Even her office lanyard is pink. I am not sure how this has slipped through the net but I am looking forward to her term of office very much. I offer her my immediate support, and Mr Davies blanches. We embark on our review and update of the Three-Year Strategic Plan, which we would have done a year ago had we not been distracted by Brexit. Brexit turned Strategic into Ambitious and then into Naively Optimistic and finally into Pretty Academic Really. As usual, Council appears to have only a tenuous grasp of the Strategic, despite Mr Davies’s gentle steering, and instead focuses on the detailed operational stuff. We plan several events, including their approximate dates, times, locations and canapé menus. I notice the Pee becoming more and more exasperated. I remember only too well that as you approach the end of your Presidential term, you become increasingly impatient with the details, knowing they will all get forgotten or rewritten anyway and that exactly the same discussion will be had next year under your successor. Mr Rollins was not overly well endowed on the patience front before he became the CIPA Pee; he has even less of it now. The Outcomes from the meeting are these. Mr Davies has written some notes. (Possibly the notes are not related to the Strategic Plan, but at least they are notes.) Mr Rollins has booked his next holiday. We have compiled the guest list for our next Grand Event, whatever that may turn out to be. We have deleted six things from the Plan that we have either already done or no longer care about, or in one case which we have decided was not Strategic anyway. And Mr Davies has learnt how to use the new office printer. Also, we have removed a Cliché from our 2018 objectives. I am impressed that someone noticed the Cliché, even if it did lead to ten minutes of debate about whether or not it was one: it may simply have been an over-zealous interpretation of our horizon-scanning imperatives going forward. Out of 2500 members, it is good to think that at least one of them has read the Strategic Plan from cover to cover. When I surreptitiously checked the definition of “cliché”, not wanting to look too much like a patent attorney, I discovered that it is “a phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought”. In which case, the average set of Council minutes is full of them. 12 September 2017, 5.45 am
Bristol Parkway has morphed from a train station into a shuttle bus station. I feel like I am in some kind of bad dream. I did not get up before sunrise and drive for 40 minutes for the pleasure of sitting on a shuttle bus. When I finally make it to London, via a rather longer journey than I had expected, I head to CIPA’s new offices for the first time. I am most impressed. They are almost comfortable. They are light and spacious, with subtle hints of the 21st Century which I am sure Mr Davies never ran past Council for permission. I am, however, bundled straight into the darkest and least spacious of the new 21st Century spaces, in which I am to re-record the webinars that I managed not to record before. I do a short test piece, but Ms Dulko, who is Ms Sear’s new henchman and equally fierce, tells me it is no good because my consonants are making explosive sounds down the microphone. I say How dare you? She says: Try again with the volume turned down. Then she says: Try again but without pulling that funny face. I say: I can’t help it; this is my impatient face and I have been up since 4.30 am trying to catch trains. Ms Dulko shows me her impatient face. It is better than mine so I back down. 7 September 2017
I chair two teleconferences, to plan two IP Inclusive events. Both are going to be sort-of-workshops and sort-of seminars, because we cannot really make our minds up. Basically the plan is that the audience will do most of the work themselves, through the medium of “guided discussions” and flip charts and such like, and people like me will just swan around pretending to know something about the workshop topics. And these workshop topics are, er…. Well, one is about unconscious bias – which of course patent attorneys do not suffer from because they are far too intelligent to be unconscious – and one is about the business case for diversity – which patent attorneys do not care about because you should not have to taint your professional ethics with commercial claptrap. So it will not be difficult to bluff our way through either of them, because nobody will care anyway. 9 September 2017 People have got back to me to say my seminar plans are unworkable and no way can we get that much done in a 90-minute workshop. And they are perhaps right, but that has never stopped me before. 6 September 2017
I dial in to today’s Council meeting, and Mr Davies has been careful this time not to put me down as an apology. The meeting is being held in CIPA’s spanking new offices, which, as I may have mentioned, have a Bar Area: this is where Council members will apparently be heading as soon as the main business is over. Or possibly before. The dial-in works much better in the new building; I can almost hear everything people are saying, although I still cannot understand a lot of it and it is still not clear why some of the things I hear were even worth saying. But it is good to feel a little more involved in the meeting than I usually do when I ring in from Afar. Mr Davies says that soon there will be video conferencing as well as the ultra-clear dial-in facility. But I will not be making use of that, no sir. I have no desire to watch my fellow Council members repairing to the bar area and even less desire to let them watch me start on a gin and tonic at 3 pm while I am supposed to be reading the Chief Executive’s Report. In the middle of the ultra-clear meeting I have to talk about some IP Inclusive stuff. The others use this opportunity to refill their glasses and do not seem especially interested in what I have to say. In the context of a CIPA Council meeting, however, people not being especially interested in what you have to say is a Good Thing. It means you can say virtually anything you like and Mr Davies will record it as Carried Unanimously or Nem Con or something, and later you can say I told you so. I suspect there are not many people at this Council meeting, and that a good half of them are already exploring the bar area anyway. So I have a very easy ride with my outrageous IP Inclusive proposals and they are all Carried Unanimously. We also have a brief discussion about the AGM. This will take place in October, which is the Privy Council’s fault because they sat on our draft new Bye-laws for too long when we were hoping to get the transitional provisions started. When the AGM takes place, I will AT LAST cease to be the EyePeePee and the Pee will cease to be the Pee, which he has told me he is very excited about, and indeed I can remember that being one of the most exciting things in my life too, ceasing to be the CIPA Pee. Not that I have been a particularly active EyePeePee anyway, but still. It will be good to not be one at all. Apparently we do not need a ballot for Council this year because we could only just scrape together enough volunteers to be Pee and VeePee and 4/5 of the Council members we need. In future meetings, there will be some vacant seats, for people who were never intended to turn up as opposed to those who should have but found something better to do. Or those who did turn up but got distracted by the bar area. |
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