5 November 2016
Today I have been mostly dressmaking. The object of my dressmaking was a rainbow-coloured frock, which is my costume for the launch of our LGBTQ+ network, IP Out. Everybody knows that LGBTQ+ people like bright colours and costumes and ostrich feathers and things. Also a certain Mr Darren Smyth will be at the launch, and Mr Smyth is renowned for commissioning London tailors to explore parts of the electromagnetic spectrum which are not normally put to sartorial use, and to turn them into waistcoats. Therefore the dress code for the evening is likely to be Flamboyantly Competitive, and I am determined to hold my own. Of course, I am using the term “dressmaking” somewhat loosely. What actually happened is this. The dress arrived in the post, looking lovely but ever so slightly half a metre too long. It had clearly been designed for a model who had been seriously Photoshopped. I have never been Photoshopped in my life. Having looked long and hard at the extra half metre of fabric, in light of my extensive dressmaking experience, and weighed up the available options, few as they were, I decided the best course of action was to double everything up in the middle, thus creating what is known in the art as a Concealed Waistline. I was very pleased with myself for thinking of this, because a waistline is always better concealed, especially when you reach your Middle Ages. I achieved this complex architectural change with the aid of four large safety pins. I did not even have to thread a needle. Result! They are of course Concealed Safety Pins. So Mr Smyth had better up his game. If I can find a feather boa from my amateur dramatics days, my triumph will be guaranteed. Mwa ha ha!
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