10 October 2017
I begin this morning by applying liberal quantities of WD40® to the hinges of the exam hall door. Now people can visit the toilets without an accompanying squeak of accusation. Next, the Lead Invigilator and I re-arrange the desks. He says it is because some of the desks were positioned under a flickering light and this was distracting the candidates, who as we know are easily distracted. But secretly I suspect he is just bored of the symmetry and looking for something maverick to do. Even a Lead Invigilator is allowed a bit of excitement now and then, especially if he has to be a magistrate in his free time. The desk re-arranging leaves us with a neat square of empty carpet towards the front of the room. We offer this space to the candidates for impromptu entertainments, such as dancing (but not Morris dancing) or tai chi. None of them take us up on the offer. They still look ungratefully glum. Today’s exam is The One About Infringement and Validity. The subject matter is sprinkler systems. Appropriately enough, the venue lays on a fire alarm mid-way through, and we have to stand outside waiting for it to shut up. During this stoppage, the Great Sprinkler System in the Sky toys with the idea of dousing us with genuine Brizzle Drizzle, whilst I glare fiercely at the candidates to make sure they do not use the opportunity to ask one another’s advice on claim construction. The Lead Invigilator meanwhile disappears to find out whether the alarm has been caused by a real fire, an equipment malfunction, somebody’s burnt toast or an ill-timed student hoax. Or perhaps – loathe as I am to consider this possibility – by the over-zealous application of door hinge lubricating means. No sooner are we settled back in the exam hall than a low-pitched rumbling announces the arrival of three ride-on lawn mowers. The grounds staff have decided that now would be a good time to display their synchronised grass cutting skills in the courtyard outside. Once again, the Lead Invigilator is dispatched to Sort Things Out. I am not sure what he does but the noise suddenly stops and later we find three abandoned ride-on mowers in the courtyard. He has obviously received Advanced Invigilator Training from Ms Sear. And also he is a magistrate.
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