13 October 2017
The Exam Pixies are all for inviting the candidates in early this morning, for a group hug to dispel the glumness, but the Lead Invigilator says that is Against the Exam Rules and instead we must observe the usual deathly hush between reading them their last rites and allowing them to open their tamper-proof party bags. During this time, it is appropriate to remain sombre. Do not misunderstand me; I have nothing against the Exam Rules. It is only right and proper that exams have rules and that everyone sticks to them. It is right that we should have Procedures and Systems, and that everything should be arranged in numerical order and that stuff should be ticked off lists. In fact, this is what makes invigilating such a great job for a failed patent attorney like me, because I like nothing better than to see things ordered, triple-checked and logged according to Proper Procedures. I would urge anyone who is still struggling to pass FD4 to consider giving up and crossing to the Other Side, to enjoy a fulfilling and well-ordered career watching other people struggle to pass it instead. That said, it is a shame that just now and then, the Pixies are not able to break a rule or two and organise a little light Morris dancing or a love-in. Denied this, I turn my attention once again to the WD40, which I apply to the exam clock in the hope that time will thereby pass more quickly. It does not work. Other than that a good number of the candidates finish half an hour early and pack up and leave. They have been doing The One About Foreign Patent Law, and there is much less to write about that now that the UK is Taking Back Control of its Borders and giving even less of a fig about other countries than it used to. At midday my stomach starts to rumble. Loudly. This is almost worse, in terms of its candidate distraction potential, than munching on a crisp and celery sandwich. The Lead Invigilator is about to go Sort Things Out when he realises that the rumbling is nothing to do with recalcitrant grounds staff and everything to do with his rubbish Deputy Invigilator. This time the WD40 is unable to fix the unwanted audio. I stand at the very back of the hall and pretend I have been put in charge of Early Exit Procedures. If Ms Sear rings, I will Early Exit myself. Procedurally, of course. Finally, we reach the end of the last exam, which is The One About UK Patent Law (hurrah!). The Lead Invigilator and I gather in the scripts and parcel them up – in numerical order; that goes without saying – to be shipped to the examiners. We also re-pack the Invigilators’ Goodie Box to return to the PEB. Everything in it has been exceptionally well lubricated and antibacterially cleansed. I am in charge of the parcel tape. I apply it very, very neatly. I enjoy the noise that I am at last allowed to make by tearing the tape off its roll. It is extremely satisfying. Only after everything is neatly taped up do I realise that I now have no way of returning the parcel tape itself. Still, when the Lead Invigilator was not looking, the Exam Pixies did manage to slip a couple of sweets and a smiley face sticker into the box of scripts. I am sure Ms Sear will not mind.
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