6 April 2016, 6 pm
I head out to a Posh Dinner organised by UNION IP. I have washed my hair and put on my posh frock but sadly, I am not able to wear my Presidential medal due to its decorative portion having parted company with its previously integral substrate. At the Posh Dinner I try to get away with sitting amongst the ordinary patent attorneys but Mr Roberts tells me that I am to sit at Top Table next to Monsieur Le President de l’EPO. Mr Roberts, alongside everything else, is President of the UK Chapter of UNION IP. He doesn’t really know what UNION IP is and he can’t explain why it’s always written in CAPITALS, but that type of detail has never worried Mr Roberts in the past and it isn’t about to now. Monsieur Le President does not exactly look delighted at the seating arrangements, but he makes a valiant attempt at polite small-talk. This small-talk consists largely of telling me how stupid and irresponsible the Brits would be to exit the EU at this crucial juncture in the UPC’s history, as though the referendum and its impact were somehow my fault. After ten minutes of telling me how stupid and irresponsible the Brits are, Monsieur Le President turns to me and says he’s terribly sorry he doesn’t remember, but who am I exactly? Shortly afterwards, he sends himself an urgent phone call to answer. This type of small-talk might not sound especially polite, but for a Frenchman it may be as good as you get. Mr Roberts has told me it is my job to get Monsieur Le President drunk and find out lots of juicy gossip that has so far escaped exposure by Monsieur Le Chat d’IP. Mr Roberts himself will be too busy chairing the event and so will be unable, sadly, to get anyone other than himself drunk. I do not succeed in getting Monsieur Le President drunk. I get myself drunk instead. And then I no longer need to worry about Monsieur Le President being either impolite or French. Later, Monsieur Le President makes a speech about what he is doing to improve efficiency at the EPO. Some of the diners, who are still sober enough to be difficult, ask him why improving efficiency needs to make so many people cross. Monsieur Le President shrugs and says that he is not going to worry about people getting cross; people getting cross is the mildly irritating but inevitable price you pay for making the world more efficient. There speaks a true Ruthless Dictator. I wish I could be like that.
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