11 May 2016, 5 pm
The last thing I have to do before I’m off the Presidential hook is to hold court over the Annual General Meeting. In front of me I have Mr Davies’s detailed notes, along with the VeePee’s not so detailed amendments. I am wearing the ceremonial swimming gala medal and several errant cake crumbs. I cannot read Mr Davies’s notes without removing my glasses, and if I remove my glasses I cannot see where I am. I opt for retaining the glasses, because there is little point suddenly starting to be in control of the situation in the final 20 minutes of a year-long Presidency. As usual, I rely on the audience to shout instructions at me, and Mr Davies to whisper and hiss and scowl at me (and to pass me handwritten messages, which of course I also cannot read with my glasses on), and in this way we lurch our way through the various thrilling items of the agenda. One of my official jobs is to present the exam prizes to this year’s clever students. It is comforting to know that we are still turning out clever students, even if the exams they take have been renamed so as to confuse people of my generation. There are no actual prizes to hand out, however, only certificates. The clever students have said thank you but they would prefer to buy their own presents, and asked for the cash option instead, like you would if your grandma offered to buy you a new party dress for your birthday. The clever students are clever indeed. I would not trust CIPA to buy me a present, whether a party dress or anything else. Another of my jobs is to announce that the membership fees are not going up this year, because Mr Davies has agreed that we can make some “efficiency savings”. I have never heard anyone say “efficiency savings” with such a dark look on his face. No ice creams then. And the VeePee’s hints about CAKE are likely to remain misunderstood for some time. My final job is to announce the results of the election (da-da-da-DA!!). Except that it turns out this is Mr Davies’s job, not mine, and I am not going to argue with someone who has such a dark look on his face. Mr Davies says that as luck would have it, there were the same number of candidates as there were positions to fill: one for Pee; one for VeePee; eight for the eight vacant seats on Council. So (ta-DA!!) everyone has been elected. If you are wondering why we went to the effort of holding an election at all, remember that in a democracy, people have to be given an opportunity to spoil their ballot papers every so often. And then – at last! – I remove the swimming gala medal from round my neck, brush off the cake crumbs, and place it duly and properly around the collar of the next mug in line. And he takes off his Vice-Presidential swimming gala medal, which also has crumbs on, for me to place around the collar of the new VeePee. Following this touching ceremony, I retire from the ceremonial dais, my work done, and our two new Officers make little speeches saying how much they are looking forward to the year ahead. And I look down at my feet to avoid catching Mr Davies’s eye, and pretend it is the cake crumbs I’m choking on. The new Pee is kind enough, in his speech, to thank me for being such a detailed President, and in particular for doing so many namby-pamby things like the diversity task force and the being nice to EyePeeReg. He also thanks me for my boundless enthusiasm. This is ironic on two counts. One is that everybody knows – surely everybody knows? – that my enthusiasm is an in-the-moment, puppy-dog type of enthusiasm that arises largely out of not understanding what’s going on, or in fact what might go on afterwards. The second is that my enthusiasm is by no means boundless, no sir. Indeed, over the last 24 months CIPA has actively encouraged me to explore where its bounds lie, and I now know exactly where that is, namely, some way short of my aspirations. Often, in fact, the bounds of my enthusiasm have sat well inside the scope of whatever daft project I was supposed to be progressing at the time. And I have wished I had some of Ms Sear’s Gantt charts, because Gantt charts are specially designed to make people carry on with a project beyond the expiry of their enthusiasm for it.
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